Sunday, December 02, 2007

100 Things To Do Before You Die

Something to laugh about taken from the Internet...

1. Sucker-punch your boss.

2. Become a member of the Mile High Club, even if you have to do it alone.

3. Go to your high school reunion dressed as a homeless guy.

4. Stand outside the Today Show window and moon Al Roker for two straight hours.

5. Drink an entire keg of Guinness by yourself (no time limit).

6. Test-drive a top-end sports car and lead the cops on a high-speed chase.

7. Rack up $5,000 on your Discover card, then tell them you just “discovered” you don’t have any money.

8. Befriend George W. Bush and try to get him to start drinking again.

9. Interview a female intern on a trampoline.

10. Visit Don Knotts’ grave site. (Keep in mind that he’s still alive.)

11. Make it through an entire porn video.

12. Survive a bar fight.

13. Watch two women bring each other to fake orgasm in person.

14. Jell-O wrestle Britney Spears.

15. Hike through a jungle, armed only with a machete.

16. Learn all the words to “Louie, Louie.”

17. Grow a handlebar mustache—just to see if it might look good on you.

18. Go to the top of the Empire State Building, then hit all the buttons in a crowded elevator on the way down.

19. Take the Steelers +3.5 and the Jets -2.5 and have the Jets beat the Steelers by three so you win both bets.

20. Hit a hole in one (with witnesses).

21. Hold auditions for a posse.

22. Wake up In a Frickin’ Gutter
Joe Alaimo, 32, Queens, NY:
“My five buddies and I arrived in Paris at night and decided to buy a bunch of wine. Soon after that I was walking across the Notre Dame plaza in my ’wears. Next thing I knew it was daylight and I was facedown in a gutter above the Seine, being shaken awake by some guy wearing a beret.”

23. Restore a Classic Car
John Heidenry, 34, Hoboken, NJ:
“I picked up my ’70 Cadillac convertible for $2,500. Over the next six years, I spent $16,000 on a new engine, rear quarter panels, a killer paint job, the interior, and rechroming. What the hell? I can fit five girls in the backseat—try doing that in a Porsche.”

24. Spend a night in jail for a semicool reason and talk shit about the screws.

25. Have sex on your boss’ desk. Don’t clean up afterward.

26. Get banned from a casino.

27. Get drunk in Tijuana and goad a tough yet disinterested Mexican to beat you up.

28. Go to karaoke night and sing “Free Bird,” regardless of what song’s playing.

29. Kick your dad’s ass.

30. Pleasure yourself in a voting booth.

31. Spray-paint “Scooby Rules!” on the Great Wall of China.

32. Backpack across Europe wearing loud Hawaiian shirts and a cowboy hat. Offer everyone ketchup.

33. Put all the money you have in the world down on a blackjack table. (This should be the very last thing you do before you die.)

34. Have an all-night orgy with all your ex-girlfriends, then present a trophy to the Most Improved Lady.

35. Foil a crime in heroic fashion.

36. Make Mike Tyson flinch when he’s old and punch-drunk.

37. Eat chunks of cooked dolphin off a naked woman’s body.

38. Smoke a joint in synagogue and yell out, “This is my High Holy Day, you bastards!”

39. Hurt yourself badly while working around the house.

40. Catch a home run at a baseball game—even if it’s just batting practice.

41. Visit Graceland and ask to see the bathroom where the King’s blue suede shoes were stepped on for the last time.

42. Grab the P.A. system at a department store and keep repeating the words “Blow jobs, two for one in aisle seven.”

43. Drive cross-country without a map.

44. Land a Big ’Un
“Wild Bill” Skinner, 53, Clovis, NM:
“Early one morning, in the Gulf of Mexico, I noticed a school of sharks. So I decided to do a little fishing. I hooked up a big chunk of bait, and as soon as I cast it a 12-foot hammerhead bit. Holy shit! I thought. I quickly climbed into the lifeboat and pushed off. For the next half-hour, that shark just wore himself out dragging me in circles. Then I rowed back to the main boat and spent 30 minutes reeling him in. However, the captain didn’t want a 600-pound fish thrashing the side of his boat. So I had to cut it loose.”

45. Do doughnuts on the White House lawn in a monster truck.

46. Give your girlfriend an enormous candy-diamond Ring Pop and try to convince her it’s the real thing.

47. Sit in the stands at a Packers game in December without a shirt.

48. Name a pet “You Filthy Whore” so when you yell, “Come back here, You Filthy Whore,” the whole neighborhood pays attention.

49. Invite friends over for dinner, then mail them a bill for everything they ate.

50. Pick up a piece of road kill with a stick and chase a child with it.

51. Learn to bowl overhand.

52. Run a marathon and stop at 26 bars along the way for refreshments.

53. Watch every second of every game of March Madness at a sports bar in Vegas.

54. Visit Australia…nah, strike that.

55. Stand outside a bar pretending to be a bouncer and collect a “cover charge” from clueless tourists.

56. Drop by an ex-girlfriend’s for a booty call even though it’ll cause a serious headache.

57. Convince a girlfriend to get a tattoo of your name on her butt.

58. Secretly record your girlfriend having an orgasm. Then put it on the outgoing message of your answering machine.

59. Enjoy a competitive game of “Where’s My Finger?” with the cast of Charmed.

60. Make double the salary your father made. If you can triple it, hire him as your personal valet.

61. Get drunk and cut someone’s hair.

62. Go to an all-you-can-eat buffet the moment it opens and stay for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

63. Be a guest voice on The Simpsons.

64. Take a bank robber’s gun from him and blow his brains out…or, whatever.

65. Play a hurtful, unfunny practical joke on an office rival, where apologizing for an earlier unfunny practical joke is part of the gag.

66. Watch all 100 of Maxim’s “100 Greatest Guy Movies” (March 1998 issue) in one week.

67. Frequent a local bar so much they’ll let you cash a paycheck there.

68. Tour a brewery wearing your underwear outside your clothes.

69. Jell-O wrestle Britney Spears, again.

70. Wait in the express line of a supermarket with too many items. When someone complains, take out a glue gun and start combining your purchases into one giant bundle.

71. Own a house that has a basement bar and rec room.

72. Expose yourself on a nationally televised sporting event.

73. Be a Champ!
Bob Hamm, Pana, IL:
“About five years back, I decided to become the world’s greatest six-gun twirler. I practiced five hours a day, every day (with prop guns). Three years later, when I climbed onstage for the World Gun Spinning Championship in Deadwood, South Dakota, I entered a state of pure concentration. I threw my guns for six minutes, culminating in a 15-foot-high Montana Big Sky Flip. When announced as the winner, I was overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment. To celebrate I went out with my friends for a big T-bone steak.”

74. Have sex in complete silence, with your in-laws in the next room.

75. Get banned from San Antonio (like Ozzy Osbourne did in 1982 for urinating outside the Alamo), then try to break in. (Hint: Try the Rio Grande.)

76. Teach a monkey martial arts and then kick its ass.

77. Drink vodka in Moscow, smoke a cigar in Cuba, eat some Peking duck in Beijing, and take a dump in North Korea.

78. Whenever your girlfriend’s father starts to say something at dinner, pretend you gotta sneeze and say, “I’mherdaddy.”

79. Ride in the ambulance with Keith Richards on the way to get his transfusion.

80. Go into a gun store and ask the guy, “What do you recommend for teaching someone a lesson?”

81. Light a fire using only sticks. Then find a volleyball and befriend it. Next ask yourself if you’re a fucking wacko.

82. Secretly Date Two Women Who Know Each Other
John Kings, 34, New York, NY:
“The girls and I met at New York University. Besides a mutual dislike for each other, the only thing they had in common was a desire to get me into bed. Mandy made the first move. One night after a party, she took me back to her place. The next day, as I left her apartment, I ran into Sue, who lived only three buildings down. I knew it was bad, but up to Sue’s I went. Then things began to get weird. I was sleeping with each girl twice a week and I’d wake up forgetting where I was, worrying about saying the wrong name! After about a month and a half, it just became too damn psychotic, so I decided to break up with both girls.”

83. Eat between six and nine White Castle hamburgers for lunch every day for a week.

84. Snip the ponytail off a Hells Angel in a dive bar, then make a quick exit and tip over that row of bikes out front.

85. Go to a strip bar with your girlfriend and get her a table dance.

86. Date a coworker, break up, and ride out the awkwardness.

87. Jump from the second story of a building into a dumpster full of Chinese restaurant trash and fluorescent light bulbs.

88. Get a woman to pay you for sex. Or at least try.

89. Smoke opium in the jungles of Thailand. (Maxim categorically denies having just suggested that.)

90. Sneak into the Playboy Mansion while Hef’s alive. Work for the caterer if you have to.

91. Go to Vietnam and have a drink in a small dingy bar in memory of the guys.

92. Lock Emo Philips and Gallagher in a room together with nothing but two carrot peelers and a flatulent donkey. Leave them to die.

93. Call a cop a “doughnut-eating fascist” to his face. When you get out of the hospital, send him a dozen doughnuts.

94. Buy a round for a packed bar.

95. Meet Mr. T and thank him for helping keep you off the streets.

96. Discuss the latest advancements in superstring theory with Carmen Electra.

97. Pull off a hoax that gets reported as truth in a newspaper.

98. Knock on a random door in every country you visit and try to talk your way into a home-cooked meal.

99. Karate-chop a board in half with your bare hand.

100. Send your gorgeous sister to the Maxim offices so she can brighten up the lunch meeting with a striptease.


Anonymous said...

On the Discussion of Number 93.

I read this blog and was telling people at work about it. I went up to the till to cover Aarons break and this man was at the till wearing a "how to lose a cop" shirt (you know the ones with three pictures and advice). Anyway I said something along the lines of that shirt reminds me of one of the things to do on that list of 100 things to do before you die. So I explained it to Aaron and the customer about calling a cop a donut eating facist. And the customer says something like "well what do you think would happen" and the three of us talked about it for a minute or two. When the customer went to go leave he turned to me and said "Well you can cross that off your 100 things to do" and he showed me his police badge. >.< Aaron and I have a running theory that he was a Mall Cop or something tho. - Amy

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